We’ve all been there; you’re playing your weak Kramer Strat copy that you bought two years ago cause you wanted to be the next Eddie van Halen. You’ve been practicing every night till your fingers bleed trying to figure out arpeggiated two handed tapping techniques while you neglect learning basic music theory and you suddenly realize something is missing… the guitar you’re playing no longer reflects your attitude and new-found will for destruction! You know something has to change; you must buy your first pointy guitar!
Prep Time
1 -2 years sometimes less
Cook Time
4 life
Serves
666
Ingredients
- 1 pinch of fed-up mediocre shredder
- 2 cups of attitude
- 400x individual instant ramen noodle cakes (you’re going to have to only eat ramen for a while to be able to afford your new axe, cause you’re poor and probably 12-15 years old)
- 1078 google searches for trying to research what guitar to buy. You really only need about 20 but we all know you’ll get distracted by the algorithms
- Some money. Self-expression isn’t cheap!
- 1 thinly sliced will to better oneself
Steps
1
Collect all necessary ingredients for your eternal alchemical process. Mix thoroughly in a cauldron under a black winters moon…whatever that means…
2
Once you have your ingredients mixed it’s time to make a sacrifice the old gods. Get rid of the Strat, throw away the les Paul or whatever dad axe you have. Selling, trading, and burning are all acceptable forms of sacrifice. No matter what don’t look back you are now truly free.
3
With all of the power and financial gains brought upon by following step two it’s now imperative that you find your new pointy chariot as soon as possible. As a veteran of foreign bid wars I can assure you that by the time you find what you want its already too late. You must act quickly in this consumer world and strike without hesitation. Just buy strictly off of looks and regret later…that’s what I do. Because an unplayed pointy is better than the most played Strat! Craigslist, Facebook marketplace, eBay, are all great places to start looking for the rest of your life. Sense it’s obvious that one pointy guitar cannot satiate your urge for aggressive guitars, youll find yourself constantly torturing your psyche looking at instruments you cannot afford everyday of your miserable life
4
Once your pointy dream guitar arrives just plug it in to your line 6 spyder practice amp and start trying to destroy it with your bare hands! Harness its power! Ignore everything wrong with it and do your best Trey Azagtoth impression. For this is the way.
5
Now that you have successfully been initiated into the pointy guitar cult go fourth and conquer all weakness within yourself and on this planet. Rember the power of pointy guitars is only as powerful as those who wield them. Also remember to start saving for your future (like you have one) and to floss daily (gingivitis sucks) shred strong! -MEL
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